as can be seen here, the ass slap is a phenomena that starts at an early age. most seem to overlook this act as a sort of accepted point of bonding between player/player and coach/player... but what does this bonding really mean?
is something decidedly more bizarre going on?
sports physicians have slowly become aware that the constant ass slapping and hugging so commonly seen on our nation's football fields may be leading an entire generation of testosterone filled youth towards life long personal identity issues.
these problems, they note, usually begin to build during high school, reach the breaking point in college and then violently explode to the surface once entering the NFL. when this occurs, players have been noted to completely collapse after their first professional ass slap.
world famous sports physician Dr. Rubmy Botox notes that... "the collapse seems to be brought on by an overload of the neural networks in the brain as the player begins to realize the inherent social conflict between being a man, and also being portrayed as a man in tights who slaps other men's asses in front of such a large viewing audience."
after this initial collapse, players often begin to find themselves confused and somewhat broken, often becoming prone to odd behaviors that illustrate the beginning of what has been medically called the "awakening phase".
during this awakening, players initially attempt to reject the loving advances of their team members and coaches, opting to avoid any potential ass slapping or other symbols of man love.
suffering from guilt and deep embarrassment, players begin to show outward signs that might include the rare (but well documented) "self ass slap". (noted in the image on the right)
this is usually the beginning of a final act in a long and painful journey of self discovery for most players. emotions and feelings once hidden behind the masks of the tough and mighty american football player begin to fall apart. slowly, what was only obvious to the careful viewer and professional psychiatrist, becomes apparent to the rest of the world.
players entering this final act will steadily begin to come to grips with what they truly are. they will show the world what they have hidden since youth, what they were never strong enough to reveal.
they will begin prancing, jumping like fairies... reaching for each others asses with lustful enthusiasm. the field will once again become their eternal playground, bringing them back to a simpler time when as children they could roll around on the grass with their best friend, and none would have been the wiser.
the antics are not limited to the field, however, long the sacred space for manly men to touch and caress each others most personal surfaces. long rumored to exist, but exposed here for the first time, "twister" parties have become a private favorite for those football players seeking to enjoy the pleasures of their mightiness outside the grasses of the sacred sports arena.
clearly still not completely comfortable with their now recognized basic urges, players begin in private what will ultimately be a path towards the final moment of liberation... that single point most repressed human beings so dearly long for.
that moment of accepting who and what you are, and being ok with letting the world know all about it. maybe that is what being a real man truly is...
or maybe this is explains what made all those jock assholes act like that in high school.
the moral here is that it is always ok to be who you are. we all should both honor and recognize the complexity and diversity of the human primate. one might argue, however, that it is even better to show it to millions of viewers around the world on super bowl sunday.
in the spirit of this great spectacle, i offer a joke given to me by an old friend... a joke that clearly honors this day...
What do the Steelers have in common with an altar boy?...
...Both of them are going to be screwed by a Cardinal today.
i suppose that god's good servants want to have a piece of the action as well. let the game begin!
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